Internal Change

This particular summer had been insanity. It had taken a toll on every aspect of our life. Not all at once but slowly as time went on; and I never realized it. When we moved back to town B, started into our old routine, and the school year began it became evident that I was sorely slacking as a mom. My kids were nothing like they used to be. They had become downright BRATS. They were fighting non-stop, hitting, shoving, slapping, screaming, throwing toys at each other. It was awful. I couldn’t believe this was my children. It made me take a step or two (or three) back. It was time to regain some order in our home. While my husband and I’s relationship has grown stronger, the other areas in our life started falling apart. My house(s) were not spick and span anymore. Clutter was through the roof (not literally but it felt like it). There was no organization. No discipline. No good routine. We were living on fast food and junk to get through each week which is a huge no-no to my usual semi natural, eco friendly out look. To top it off, we just seemed to be hitting a wall of, “Where do we go from here? What’s next?”

I had to sit back and really think about where our life is headed and what we really want. In my mind, I went over and over and over the questions I needed to be asking myself.

Do I really want to work on my degree? Yes, more than anything.

Ok, Great; but is the timing truly right? Maybe not.

How badly do you want to be a Wildlife Biologist? Is it something you really want or is it something you want because you need to feel like you’ve done something with your life and that career path just feels like the right thing to go for? For sure, I want to go to college for that particular degree and I want that career. Right now though, I’m just not sure if the timing is right with my children’s ages and everything else that is going on.

Do I really want to be working on my degree right now though, while my kids are growing up more rapidly than I can keep up? No…Maybe…Not really…Ugh. I really want to be working on my degree but what I want most right now is to watch my children grow and to be available to them more at this point. My last child is coming out of the toddler years and I’m missing out on all of those fun things I love about being a mom; not to mention, I’m missing on all of the “firsts” and “lasts” for all of my kids. I hate leaving them when they are sick or having a bad day. I want my degree more than anything but I want my kids to feel loved and cherished more. I want to be that mom; teaching them how to cook, grow and preserve produce, identify objects/animals in nature, work hard, and love hard. I don’t want to be grumpy with them because I have too much to do when it’s not their fault I’m so busy.

Is this how I pictured my life when I first became a mom? NOT AT ALL. I’m grumpy, exhausted, overly stressed, and mentally checked out most of the time.

Am I proud of my accomplishments so far? Yes. As a student. I’m proud of myself for powering through and doing a pretty bomb job. As a mom, yes and no.

Can I continue to juggle life as it is now with enough steam to make it through at my best? No way. Not at all. I’m completely beyond burnt out.

Do I want to be a stay at home mom or a working mom while I have little ones in the house? Without a doubt, a stay at home mom. I want to be there with them when they need me…not stressing because Gramma has them when they are sick or feeling extra needy. On the other hand, I get stressed out easily when I’m with them 24/7 with no breaks. I guess I just need a break once in a while for the time being.

Do I want to be a homemaker or have a career? Can’t I just have both? I guess, for now I want to raise a family on a home cooked, home grown, home spun lifestyle. It’s never too late to finish my degree. I can always take a class once in a while and just slowly work through it until the kids are all in school. Once they are in school, I can work on my schooling with a lot less guilt and distraction and can also be available to them when they are home.

What is the most feasible plan for my life in this current time? What do I *really* want right now; at this time in my life? I suppose if I really think hard about it, I just want to be a mom who is available for my kids and to be present in the moment with them, rather than worrying about when I will get my coursework done. I feel like in the long run, they will be happier that they had a present mom.

These are the main questions I’ve been struggling with. These are the answers I ultimately came up with. I still plan to finish up my degree and become a wildlife biologist; right now with our current lifestyle, I need to be a mom and a wife. It just flows best. I have 4 kids; they need me to be available. They have become unruly, bratty, mouthy, ungrateful, unhappy…you name it. We are working on that (with great improvement!)

I also need time to work on my physical health and my mental health. What people don’t see on the outside of someone who seemingly can “do it all” is that sometimes you get so busy “doing it all” that you start to miss out on the important things in life which is exactly where I’m at right now. I’m missing out on my children growing. I mentally can’t handle much more information in my brain at any given time. My body has several things going on that need taken care of including stomach issues, unexplained weight gain, extreme fatigue to the point where I can’t wake up easily in the mornings no matter how much sleep I get, joint swelling, and mild depression. I know a lot of this has to do with just not taking care of myself. I stress eat, mostly junk food. I drink six to eight cups of strong coffee a day and yet don’t feel like I drink any at all. All summer, I lived on fast food and sugar. This lifestyle is not doing well for my body. I need a change. I am a natural minded person and yet somehow I’ve become the very opposite of that outwardly.

I’m dedicating this blog to write about my newest endeavors in getting our life back on track through healthful and natural living, conscious parenting, and healing my workaholism.

2 thoughts on “Internal Change

  1. It’s funny, I have been 100% dedicated to my kids and home for 7 years now, and I was starting to feel that I should be thinking about working again. But it seems like that is a really hard path to take.

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    1. It is a hard path to take. I was taking my classes at night while hubby was home to be with the babies because childcare alone is through the roof. Congrats on your dedication to yours!! Homemaking isn’t for the faint of heart.

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